A Confession of Pain
Most of the time, I convince my self that I am better off than others. That I am better off in my life now compared to others who are having the hardest time finding a good work that could feed their family. I always tell myself, I should be thankful I am alive. I believed that this was the only way I would be able to survive what I am going through.
Then I went to my psychiatrist. What she said confused me at first, but she had a point- and perhaps, if I did realize the truth behind my perception in life, then perhaps I could have had better ways of dealing with life’s deepest plunges in my life.
She said, ” there is a thin line that identifies surviving apart from covering” … and that so far, going through my story, she analyzes that I was merely covering up my pain. While I tried to convince my heart that I was okay, my mind knows that I am not and that I am getting tired of the mayhem.
What I was cultivating was more of self-belief rather than positive thinking. After this, she mentioned that if I really wanted to heal, then I have to be TRUE TO MYSELF.
What does being true mean?
One: Accepting that I am merely human
Two: Accepting that I make mistakes
Three: Accepting that some people are jerks [and that they have their own reasons to be one- and that I cannot control any of their reasons]
Four: Realizing that LIFE SHOULD GO ON even after a hundred falls- Because THAT IS LIFE
What I am failing at is realizing that I am but human and that others are but humans too. The way I see myself and the standard I have given myself is too high. Given the fact that I was left by my mother when I was young and that my father had his own life, this pushed me to admit to myself that if I want to get other’s approval, then I have to work really hard for it- and that if I don’t I would end up failing myself.
This thinking brought me unnecessary burdens that I carried until I got married. Aiming to please my husband every time, I went to the point of forgetting myself in the picture. Hoping that he will not leave in the end, I gave everything and never expected for anything. I worked hard for the family, I multi-tasked and at the end of the day, the most important thing is to make sure that his needs were carefully met.
His satisfaction was my happiness to a certain degree that I did not think of what was good for me anymore. My psychiatrist cleared to me that a successful marriage also relies on the capacity of two different individuals to know who they are, to establish between each other that they both deserve to be respected. Knowing and realizing such demand for respect should be recognized by both parties thus strengthening the bond that they share.
This is where I failed. I worked more like the pleaser. While I was struggling to work for the approval of my husband, my children, my parents and my religion, I lost the personal need to gain an approval from myself. I lived for their happiness and satisfaction that in the process, I was already emptying myself.
Up to this day, my mind has already been set to please even those who are no longer with me. The fact that I closed my social media accounts so that they would not have anything bad to say about me is still a sign that I have not gone out of that shell of hoping to get their approval.
A Confession of Disappointment
It was supposed to be a sigh of relief to know that I am not alone in going through this. My psychiatrist pointed out that most who have gone through a traumatizing experience as I have also go through such condition of self-devaluation.
I used to be a person who laughs a lot, who is open to being with friends and sharing good stories with people I am really comfortable with. But through time, as I am bombarded with different reasons to doubt, I developed a sense of need to protect myself. Afraid to be hurt again, I bring up walls- a place I could turn to when I feel that somehow, I am becoming vulnerable again.
While this is normal, my psychiatrist pointed out that it should not be the central figure in my mind. Healing involves embracing reality and developing more realistic expectations of myself and others. In a way, I ought to realize that I will make mistakes and other will do too. At times, this mistakes would really hurt, but it will depend on me whether or not such situation will mark me for life.
A Confession of Struggle
When you have been marked by an experience, you will have a hard time living your life away from it. This is the reason why term “trauma” is not merely connected to tragic and near death experiences. Instead, it identifies with certain situations that define a person’s being due to the impact that they leave in an individual.
I struggle… I struggle with the many questions I have in mind. Asking “why did they do it”; “how were they able to take it in them”; ” was I not enough to be respected that they were able to just trash out my reputation? What these people did made me look at myself to be rather worthless- it made me question my real capacity to be respected.
I struggle kicking off the past and believing that the people I once trusted and loved would be the very ones to break me down. It seems that somehow, I cannot find the right way to be in good terms with all these experiences- I cannot believe that these people have the capacity to hurt me the way that they did.
A Confession of Hope
I hope to breath again.
I hope to be able to trust again.
I hope to be able to see way past beyond my assumptions that everyone has the capacity to break me.
I hope to be given the chance to live again- to be able to feel alive and have purpose again and be able to see the goodness among people. I want to see the gift of everyone without any necessary doubts that hoover in my mind.
I hope that one day, I would be able to live away from this pain and be given the chance to embrace life fully again. I wish so much that one day, I would be able to get over this and embrace reality as they happen and not be affected by the past as much as it defines me now.