For many years in the relationship I repeatedly heard the lines:”You keep on trying get attention”I was made to believe that asking for help was something I should be ashamed of.
For nine years, I was made to believe that my ailment is my fault and that I used my seizure to get people’s attention.He will get angry with me every time I came home with friends assisting me because I had an attack outside.
When I look back, most of those times, I faint and have seizures outside because of being emotionally vulnerable because of suffering from several days of silent treatment.I was never used to silent treatment when I was growing up. But when I was with him I was trained to tolerate the attitude he has if I really wanted to have a peaceful and relatively ‘happy’ family.
I remember crying in the taxi several times, asking my friends to not bring me back home after a seizure for fear he might get angry at me.Now that I am outside the relationship, and yet entangled with the memories I had from this man, it seems as if I am looking through a peeping lens.
Learning through other’s experiences teaches me so much about the things I never understood about mine.It feels so surreal to the point of asking myself why did I let him do everything he did.He did not physically hit me but he did so much control over me.Looking into the experiences of women who looked strong enough to fight for themselves but chose to stay, I begin to wonder, is love really that blind to tolerate even the wrong things that are happening?
It’s painful and even disappointing at some point to realize that there are a lot of individuals (because apparently, it’s not only women who get themselves stuck in these conditions, there are also a whole population of good men who are subjected to these situations) who stick to the mind-numbing condition they are in for distinct reasons.One of the reasons to this is that they want to stay to keep the family in tact.
I believed in myself that all that I was going through was an adjustment period.I stayed because I saw how good he was when it comes to being friends with the kids.
I was the sole breadwinner in our family. I worked at home to support the rent and all of other expenses.
It’s alright for me, because I think that this was evidently my responsibility because I was hindering him back from his life because I was sick…
then again, I realized that somehow, most of the times I was sick was when we were on fights…
I was all confused…
But there was one thing I knew, I was doing it for my family, so everything is worth it.
The second reason I found common among those who actually tolerate everything is that they believe everything would be better.I know, because I stayed in such belief for a long time.
Every time I am experiencing such difficult situations, it comforts me to daydream about the better days.Those dreams became my anchor- they were not real, but they were enough for me to cling to possibilities.
However, daydreaming is never enough to clear off the pains and doubts brought about by the manipulation.
My own thoughts just made me float on something unrealistic, it made me escape reality and believe in a baseless fairy tale.
Don’t get me wrong, I tried to fix the situation through a more realistic manner but I always get the answer “do we really need to talk about this?”
I still remember saying “I love you” and stand there waiting for a response other than an agreeing “hmm”…
One time, I was able to collect all the guts I could have to ask him “why don’t you respond back”, and he said, “don’t you know that already, why do you still need to hear?”
Dumbfounded with such a response, I told myself, “he’s right, perhaps I really am asking for too much”.
All these, and I kept on because I believed that what I was going through was a step to a stronger relationship.You can call me dumb, but it was the only way I knew to keep my ‘dream family’ afloat.
The third reason? The kids…He often told me how it was my fault that my children are going through such hard time, because I was not thinking, because I chose to give birth to them.
Because of this, when something wrong happens to them I always blame myself.I am always extra careful to make sure nothing happens to them…
This is why Dory’s line in finding Nemo struck me, she said “that’s odd, you can’t let nothing happen to him”...
Parents who have been traumatized ith words end up with anxious assumptions.
Now, I try to fight every single possibility that keeps me from allowing my children to experience life.
Everyday is a battle of choices.I try so hard to make sure they will be alright every time I let them get out of my sight.
Going back, I think, well, I may not have been given the chance to experience the life I wanted.
I made my mistakes and is still suffering many of the consequences that come with it.
Nonetheless, it is my own choice if I’d let all of these bring me down, or if I shall make it a stepping stone to reinvent myself.I
t is a hard and twisted road ahead.But because of what happened to me, I understand others better.
I think there is a reason behind what people say regarding the coexistence of experience and learning.Because, there are many people we do not understand, simply because we have not gone through what they have been through.
To walk their path is to learn how they feel, how they struggled and understand the reasons behind all of their actions.
For me, whatever happened to me then has taught me a valuable lesson on never judging anyone’s condition based on my own perception.Until I have a real solid idea about what the person has gone through, I shall never open my mouth in judgement.